Well of Tears...

We always seem to know exactly where we are at times when a catastrophic event happens. Such is the characteristic of the human consciousness. We remember clearly where we were and what we were doing that fateful day of 9-11 almost a decade past. Some of you might remember exactly what you were wearing that day! I've had minor catastrophes in my life---events that I was wont to get over with quickly and has since moved on from. In our household, it is customary to shed a few tears and then laugh about it an hour later. I always tell my kids not to sweat the small stuff but in their pre-teen and school-age minds, few things in their lives are "small stuff"!

In my case, June 23rd was my latest catastrophic event. That was the day my GI doctor, Dr. Rameez Alasadi, called to tell me my tests came back positive for a malignant pancreatic tumor. I was devastated...at least, for a couple of days or so! It was like plunging through quicksand into an endless dark pit! More like Alice in Wonderland without the wonder of it all! With what little I know of the disease, it was scary enough and to delve into the medical aspects of it with the dissecting mind of a paranoid nurse was even worse. Several times up to this day, I still recall what my doctor said over the phone...'Don't ask why you, why now. With God, nothing is too early nor too late. You just have to keep a positive mindset.'

What wise words! I didn't consider them wise the first time I heard it....more like a grating anthem of cheerleading for the losing team, that is! However, as I sat on the cold travertine floors of my walk-in closet I realized what he had said was true. He also told me not to read anymore...to keep an open optimism with all the wonders of modern medicine and the underlying faith in his advice when he said not to question God's ways. I remember having shed a few tears and valiantly wiped them away. My kids were just outside my room and I didn't want them to ask questions when they see my puffy red eyes and inflated nose! I put a lid on my well of tears!

That same day, my husband and I were taking a walk when I decided to break the news to him. It was a somber discussion and much as I wanted to cry, I couldn't. He didn't either. This definitely is NOT small stuff and I was wondering when I would start "sweating"!!! We did cry that night after the kids were in bed but not much. Just enough to gauge how much water there is in our 'well of tears'. My awesome God has blessed me with an amazing husband. All he said to me after we shared that heartbreaking catastrophe was, "We just have to trust God." Just like that, the well of tears dried up! I then remembered reading somewhere that it is hard to SEE God when your eyes are blurred with tears and even harder to trust in Him when your heart is clenched in fear. It was at that moment that we found grace on bended knees.

It has been a couple of months since and I've been through a Whipple surgery by Dr. Mark Talamonti, a renowned pancreatic oncology surgeon at Evanston Hospital. Yes, he had found some nodular involvement and had staged my cancer at stage 2B but that does not, in any way, deter me from making my own story and I'm working towards a blessedly hapy ending. By the grace of God and the wonderful nurses I had who didn't take 'no' for an answer, I was able to get up and ambulate a couple hundred feet roughly 5 hours after surgery and had been cruising along since. I had my port placed by Dr. Thomas Pae yesterday at Northwest Community Hospital (where I work) and had my first treatment regimen under Dr. Matthew Adess in Highland Park Hospital right after that. I had suffered 6 agonizing SQ injections without complaint...I would have sworn like a sailor had my husband not been beside me at that time! It doesn't hurt half as much as I expected anymore! Again, I credit that to God's grace.

I know it's still a long road ahead...with confusing turns and potholes worthy to be called craters! However, with the support and encouragement I receive from friends and family daily, I could and would squeeze through tiny doorways to get through to the sunny side. And when things don't really turn out wonderful just like in Alice's story, who best to turn to than the Ultimate Healer Himself?

Just as heroes are born out of the ashes of countless catastrophes of this world, so is Faith rekindled in the rubbles of despair. I found my way back to Life in the valley of death! And just along the horizon I could feel the healing warmth emanating from the Dayspring.